Disclaimer: NSFW. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
This post was inspired by a little discussion I had with a group of friends about sex. You know the usual, positions, rounds, orgasms and the like. I made an offhand comment about how people should enjoy sex, and feeling shame about having a healthy sex drive is the worst thing for you. I ended by saying, “I know what I’m talking about.” And the thing is, I know what I’m talking about. Lemme tell you a little story about a nice church girl.
I was a typical church girl. No matter where I went, I made sure I was plugged into a nice church, you know, Bible-believing, tongue-talking type church. When I was in Form 1-2, I was in Girls’ High, and in Scripture Union. Form 3 onwards, I was at Sandringham. I started out at the Girls’ Christian Union and left when they started talking about how to pull your labia minora. Nope. None of that for this pure girl. You see, I made a decision long back (I’m not sure when, but it was before high school) that I was going to save myself for marriage. No sex, thank you. That was my goal. I was going to be pure for my husband. That was going to be my wedding gift to him.
Yes, I was that type of woman.
Looking back, I wish my motivation was because I wanted to do it. I wanted to enjoy the full expression of sex in my marriage bed. It wasn’t though. Looking back, I realised that I felt sex was bad and dirty and made people pregnant when they shouldn’t and made them outcasts. Sex was for those girls who didn’t deserve good men or a good life or whatever.
I was a hot mess.
Fast forward a few years after, I met a certain pastor. I was 23 at the time, he was 24, and I was in love with him from afar. That man was a great preacher, anointed, an amazing singer, and was incredibly handsome. He pretty much was the entire package. I still wonder how he noticed me to this day, but he did. Do I regret that he noticed me? I’ll… answer that question later. So began a sexual relationship (which wasn’t really, I’ll explain that later as well), which managed to unlock a healthy relationship with sex and an even deeper respect for it. I learned that sex is nice, sex is necessary, it is Biblical, orgasms are heaven sent, and… you can have sex without necessarily having sexual intercourse.
When I heard those words, my world crashed around me.
You see, Pastor and I had a healthy dose of oral sex, phone sex, video sex, sexting, dry humping, mutual masturbation, many orgasms, I could go on and on. For me, it was all right because that holy penis wasn’t entering my vagina. So you could understand my feeling of overwhelming shame when I heard that. It wasn’t a lie, but somehow the guilt completely enveloped me and never left. We broke up a few weeks later, and I retreated into my “pure” shell. My next relationships were farces really, even with my now husband. I expressed no desire or attraction, even when I felt it. When I got married, and it was time for sex, I really only did it for duty’s sake. I couldn’t shake off that guilt from way back then. I didn’t give myself time to re-process my feelings, to understand that sex is okay, honestly. I spent so much time guarding my vagina against a penis, that when the vagina was truly “Open for Business” according to my terms… I was not “Open for Business” mentally.
I was not ready for sex at all.
I didn’t know what I liked anymore, because I was afraid to feel good. Feeling good was for naughty girls, sinful girls who went to hell. Sex became a duty to me. If he wanted it, cool. Whatever. There you go opens legs dutifully. If he didn’t, ah, at least I can rest today. The first few months were a disaster. Then one day, my husband, my amazing God-given husband, went off on me. He used many expletives that I will not write here, grabbed my hand, took me to the lounge and sat me down. In a nutshell, he said, “I’m tired of living like I either have to beg for sex and when I do, I feel like I’m raping you. Stop it. I’m here for your pleasure as well. What do you like? How do you want me to touch you? Tell me!”
So began a journey of rediscovery. I wish I could say I prayed and God immediately broke down everything that had me feeling guilty about loving sex. It wasn’t that easy. It was a journey. I cried a few times. I had to forgive myself many times. I had to read the Bible even more times. I had to learn my body again. Start slow. With kisses, see what felt good, what I liked, what I didn’t. I had to learn to express myself during sex. Moaning was not for the bad girl, it was for this good Christian married woman as well. I had to repent for faking orgasms, and I never did again. Orgasms are too good to fake. I had to understand that God wants me to have abundance, even in my sex life, so I made sure I enjoyed it every time. That understanding gave me a boldness. I wasn’t afraid to initiate sex anymore, I wasn’t ashamed to try new positions. I wasn’t afraid to be loud or quiet. I wasn’t afraid to be a sexual being anymore.
Heck, I now fantasise about my husband during work. crosses legs
Some people call me a freak, and I wear my “freak” badge with pride. It has been a journey to break off the shame and guilt I felt for so long, and truly love and enjoy sex. I love sex now, guys. Sex is really nice. My patients will come to me for sex advice, and I feel I can counsel them with authority, because I know, personally the difference between enjoying and not enjoying sex. I’ve embraced my high sex drive. I realised that when I was with the pastor… so I do not regret being with him. Then, and even more now, I was authentic about my sexual enjoyment, and I don’t want anyone to ever take that experience away from me. Do I regret my decision to stay a virgin until marriage? No… I don’t, I only do wish I had the teaching I’m planning on teaching my kids:
Sex is beautiful. Sex is meant to be enjoyed. Choose when you want to have sex, and prepare yourself to have a mind-blowing journey.